Mediation 4 Resolution

Resolving Conflict, Moving Forward

Empowering and Protecting Through Collaborative Mediation

Whether together for one year or twenty years, the interconnected web of relationship is difficult to untangle without professional help. Collaborative mediation provides partners with a roadmap to resolve differences and create clear boundaries around family, relationships, finances, community, emotions, health, legal, property, and the psyche.

Collaborative mediation empowers partners because they alone determine the processes and methods to achieve resolution. Because the past behaviors of the parties are responsible for their current situation, they are the ones who know the most likely common ground that can lead to resolution.

Collaborative mediation protects the parties because the mediator coaches them and collaborates with them. The mediator teaches the parties a language of deep dialogue that promotes a safe environment of mutual trust and respect, essential for clear understanding and agreement. In this way the parties feel “seen” and “heard” by the other, perhaps for the first time in their relationship. The knowledge, skills, and abilities learned by the parties during collaborative mediation can provide them with a stronger communication tools for future personal and business relationships.

Mediation is by far the least damaging alternative to other venues of resolving conflict but especially litigation, where the emotions are inflamed and relationships can be damaged beyond repair. When the parties feel safe they are more motivated to work together and craft an outcome in which everyone has ownership, compared to arbitration or litigation where the parties look to an arbitrator or judge for a decision as to who wins or loses.

Litigation is often described as a two-headed monster because it takes on a life of its own once in the hands of the trial attorneys. Litigation involves discovery (interrogatories, requests for admission, depositions, subpoenas for documentary evidence, etc.) often followed by trial, all of which can be costly in time, money, and emotional upset. During and after litigation the children often feel or witness the increased tensions and animosity that happens between parents. They often feel forced to choose between the parents or blame themselves for the break-up and resulting litigation. As a result, the children often become emotionally damaged for life, which affects relationships with parents, siblings, and even romantic partners.

Using these four stages of collaborative mediation to reach a mutually acceptable resolution, the parties create a safe environment in which to collaborate and work through conflicts at every stage:

1. Confirming the honest desire to mediate and creating ground rules to ensure a fair and safe experience
2. Identifying all issues and exploring the underlying motivations behind the positions and the feelings
3. Brainstorming creative alternatives and evaluating all possible solutions
4. Achieving resolution then reviewing and signing documents that reflect all understandings and agreements.

Qualifications of Henry Koltys

As a family law mediator, a former judge and trial attorney, and a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) guardian ad litem for neglected and abused children, Henry is very familiar with family law conflicts and paths to resolution. He attended workshops by Gary Freidman (Center for Mediation and Law), Angeles Arrien, Byron Katie, and other experts at resolution. In addition to being a member of numerous bar associations, he is a member of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals, an interdisciplinary, international association of professionals whose collaborative practice reduce the level of conflict between separating and divorcing couples. Henry has over 30 years of legal experience and 20 years of parenting experience.

In addition to his mediation, negotiation, and settlement experience, Henry has an educational background in mediation, counseling and guidance, and Alternative Dispute Resolution through his graduate and post-graduate education and numerous continuing legal education workshops. He is very skilled at coaching, guiding, and using non-defensive approaches with even the most difficult personalities. His years of experience and training combine to present a great bedside manner so clients feel comfortable confiding in him. They trust him to provide wise counsel and sound guidance within equitable and workable solutions.

Henry is particularly adept at working with couples in medium or high conflict cases to resolve custody, financial, and property issues. Based upon the agreed resolution determined by the parties, he crafts property agreements that accurately reflect the intention of the parties. He creates detailed custody agreements and co-parenting plans that ensure the children are protected during the difficult time of separation and divorce. Henry mediates both independently or with a therapist co-mediator, occasionally using a multi-disciplinary team approach with therapists, attorneys or financial specialists representing each party.

Henry is Chair of the Sophia Foundation, a non-profit to help children and families in transition. Through Sophia he has co-presented workshops for family law professionals, demonstrating how KidsFirst! custody and parenting software can be used to defuse and resolve complex issues around separation and dissolution. His most recent workshop was held in San Francisco on February 3, 2007, with attorneys (including Certified Family Law Specialists) and therapists (PhDs, MFTs and LCSWs) in attendance.

The Importance of Resolution and Moving Forward

Henry's philosophy is straightforward: “Death, divorce, and separation are the three most stressful events in life, according to psychological research, so couples or families who break up receive a triple blow since a break-up is really a death. Those involved need to acknowledge this death and work through issues around grief, loss, responsibility, and guilt, whether through self-help such as reading and taking time to reflect or with trained professionals in group or individual therapy. Separation or divorce can be a tremendous opportunity for positive change, personal growth, and even transformation, freeing an individual to obtain peace of mind and mindfulness when forming new relationships.”

Co-Mediatation Services with Marriage and Family Psychologists

Whenever appropriate, Henry suggests co-mediation services with couples and child psychotherapists Mary J. Sanders, Ph.D. and Jan Edl Stein, MFT. Jan will co-mediate cases in San Francisco, Marin, and the East Bay while Mary will co-mediate cases on the Peninsula and the South Bay. Oftentimes couples are locked in a high conflict posture with resulting hurt feelings and deep anger that can not be resolved without understanding the true sources of conflict that may include childhood and pre-relationship issues. An attorney and a therapist collaborating as co-mediators have several distinct advantages, including leveraging the synergy of two professionals with complementary skills, knowledge, experience, and perspectives.

Jan Edl Stein is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Director of the Holos Institute, a non-profit holistic counseling, training, and education center grounded in principles of ecopsychology. She has practiced family counseling for over 20 years with a practice that includes clinical supervision, individual, couples, and family psychotherapy. Jan has taught at the Institute of Transpersonal Psychology, Sonoma State University, Grof Transpersonal Training, and numerous private venues. She also leads workshops and retreats that interweave meditation with imaginal processes for creative problem-solving. Jan's clinical background includes extensive training in family systems, self-psychology, transpersonal, and Jungian depth psychology.  Her personal style as a therapist is warm, engaging and direct. She brings honesty, mindfulness, and compassion to her work and guides her clients to find the same. In her work with couples and families, she emphasizes clear, non-violent communication and mutual understanding. Jan's private practice is located at her offices in San Francisco and Marin. She resides in Mill Valley, California and is the mother of two adult children.

Copyright 2008, Henry Koltys. All Rights Reserved.